Ever feel alienated when your partner undermines you by making decisions with others?

Feelings of embarrassment, alienation and demeaned are most commonly described in a client story when they find their partner makes decisions or plans without their knowledge.
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These topics seem most frequently around:

• Taking other’s advice for financial decisions and not being included. For example, investment properties, bitcoin or covertly extending the home loan.

• Making arrangements for special celebrations for others without checking  times and commitments first.

• Relying too much on the opinions of others around discipline and choices for children.

• Changes in career progression/choices that impact the spouse but they’re still not consulted first.

Why does this happen?

• Transitioning from “I” to “We” at the start of a relationship can be tricky. You previously may have relied on friends and family for advice but now should defer to your spouse first. You get to create your own value system in this beautiful  “circle of safety” and each bring the best part of your family cultures. You do however get to decide which behaviours or habits you’d like to leave behind!

• Some family can be controlling without you noticing it.

• You may be seeking approval from your friends and family so default to following their advice.

Having a healthy sense of independence is an important aspect of a thriving relationship however collaboration comes first! Respect and honour your parents, friends and family, however healthy boundaries to protect your relationship are paramount.

What does a “united front” mean for intimate relationships? Stan Tatkin of PACT Therapy calls it your “couple bubble”:

• Have you agreed on who you will allow to confer with for big decisions and under what circumstances?

• Whose opinions outside your “bubble” do you each respect?

• What main topics do you each wish to be consulted on? For example, time on weekends, expenditures over $500 or what consequences for your children’s poor behaviour?

Anticipating these tricky topics is smart when it comes to creating a healthy alliance with your partner. Otherwise, you run the risk of being shocked every time you make separate choices and add another fracture to your relationship.

"A united loving relationship is to have our partner's back over our own family and friends when needed.” 


Don’t forget to diarise my Facebook Lives each Therapeutic Thursday morning for Thriving Relationships to inject some relational inspirations into your weekend!  Watch this space for the upcoming inaugural Relationship Reset Challenge.  

 

Joanne Wilson is the Relationship Rejuvenator and author of Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools For Your Most Important Project ($29.99). She is a neuropsychotherapist inspiring the community for thriving and dynamic relationships that impact generations for mental well-being. Waitlist for the next intake of her  Relationship Rejuvenator Online Mini-Courses at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com ​