How can I trust my partner ever again?

Why did she go to great lengths to lie to me for so long?”
 
“How do I know my husband’s deceit  won’t hurt me again?”
 
“I just don’t trust her.”
 
“How could he  not have considered the horrific consequences?”
 
“Do leopards change their spots?”
 
…. All valid and heart wrenching questions when trust is broken.
 
Trust is an essential element of a relationship. When this is compromised, it can have a devastating ripple effect on not only the relationship, but business, finances, children and extended family.
 
Breach of trust manifests in so many different forms. Aside from infidelity, I most commonly notice it around:

• Business finances

• Hiding household expenditure

• Gambling

• Social media use

• Pornography

 
Relationships thrive on a secure foundation knowing that our partner has our back, is authentic and can be counted on.  The most satisfying aspect as a counsellor is giving hope to an injured partner that trust can be regained. We can rediscover a safe and loving bond with their partner in a second relationship (with the same person!).
 
The main goal when I’m presented with a couple like Barb and Bill who arrive on the brink of “Splitsville” following a massive breach of trust; is emotional safety.
 
Barb and Bill worked in a health and beauty business together. As an expert bookkeeper, Barb managed the finances. Like many organisations that took a “hit” during COVID, Barb started raising invoices for items that were not authentic to reallocate money and cover up financial mistakes she had made.
 
Deep down, Barb’s intentions were good. Bill worried a lot. He was already stressed about his elderly mothers' illness. One mistake lead to another and they were drowning in debt. Barb was eventually "busted" after Bill discovered some gaping holes in one of their accounts -  all was revealed.  Well, nearly all. It was difficult for Barb to talk about the extent to which she had deceived Bill and about how much. This deepened his mistrust.
 
Bill moved out and sought to end the relationship. Naturally, he felt if he couldn’t trust Barb on this topic, could he trust her at all about anything?
 
This is another example of a catastrophic loss for a guy like Bill. Barb made a few poor decisions that rapidly spiralled into her web of deceit that spun out of control.
 
Bill fell into a deep depression questioning if he could trust anyone in the world? He couldn’t trust the love of his life, his Dad had passed away, and his Mum was dreadfully ill in isolation.
 
As with many couples, I highlighted our human need that thrives on certainty and hope. The pandemic removed that for quite a long time (and continues to!). It adds pressure, resulting in desperate measures and for many, a far less, best version of ourselves.
 
This was no excuse but certainly contributed to the demise of many relationships in the recent twelve months.
 
Barb and Bill had two children. Mostly for their sake, they turned toward each other and sought to repair their relationship.
 
Over a few months in couple’s counselling:

• I coached Barb to recognise the importance of complete transparency with her time, her work and every aspect of her life in order to regain trust. (Trust is not an on/off switch. It can take years. Barb  isn’t required to remain accountable for the remainder of their relationship but imperative during this intense time of rebuilding their connection.)

• Bill learnt to overcome his hesitancy to check-in and question Barb at any time to regain safety.

• Barb learnt to share her feelings with Bill. (During our therapy, she unveiled her fear of failure, stemming from her regretful tendency to continually seek approval from her highly successful father.)

• Bill employed stress management strategies including short bursts of designated time away from the business and engaged a business coach to keep him accountable to a new healthy regime and direction for the business. He now plays squash each week with a friend and now drinks alcohol moderately only on weekends.

• Using intentional “declarative statements”  Barb reiterated she could be trusted again.  Bill commenced the process of choosing to forgive Barb.

• Barb is still trying to forgive herself.

• The children are doing well and thankful to be living with both loving parents still in the same house.

 
Thankfully, this was another couple that found safety in uniting  together again where they loved each other despite a stressful year featuring a pandemic, illness and financial stress.
 
As you approach this weekend, consider:

• Are you hiding anything from your spouse?

• If so, do you find it taxing to avoid being truthful?

• If your partner has breached your trust, have they been truly remorseful and have you forgiven them?

• Do you cope well with stress?

• Do you feel emotionally safe in your relationship that you can count on them? If not, why not?

As humans, no one is blameless. Every single one of us has fallen prey to temptation and made some ghastly mistakes we thought were a good idea at the time.

If required, gift yourself the freedom of forgiveness.
 
Despite our flaws, there are some incredible people out there. One of them might be the person you’re in a relationship with right now, so go give them a physical or virtual kiss and hug now!
 
P.S. Whilst leopards can’t change their spots, humans CAN make mistakes, CAN  achieve transformational change and CAN be forgiven.

 

Join me in my next 10-day Challenge to commence re-engineering your approach to communication and conflict. It doesn’t require two people - so watch this space!
 
Don’t forget to diarise my Facebook Lives each Therapeutic Thursday morning for Thriving Relationships to inject some relational inspirations into your weekend!
 
Joanne Wilson is the Relationship Rejuvenator and author of Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools For Your Most Important Project ($29.99). She is a neuropsychotherapist inspiring the community for thriving and dynamic relationships that impact generations for mental well-being. Find out more at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com