One reason couples lack emotional safety

When Jan* and Phil* arrived into my counselling room presenting an incredibly sad, lonely and disconnected relationship, they outlined how they had not spoken about anything indepth for years.

Regrettably, their dialogue was purely perfunctory including where the children needed to be at what time and what was for dinner. They had lost the ability to communicate – it was woeful. Their relationship featured built-up resentment over the years from unresolved issues from an unhelpful approach to conflict.
 
One of the main challenges I noticed that fuelled this disastrous state of their marriage was they never discussed united goals or dreams at the state of their relationship. They coasted along and never really aligned themselves.

There is no emotional safety when you do not have united goals or dreams.
 
Two major elements of alignment is:  

1. Attentive listening in conversations where you can enjoy a safe space to share what you long for, your desires, concerns and fears.  You want to avoid “flying blind” instead of copping the unexpected “angry birds” as they whack you in the face out of nowhere! 

2. Consider your expectations for this week or next month? What specific challenges are you facing? What are you looking forward to? Is it extended family commitments, a noisy neighbour or a child being bullied at school? You might just be feeling emotional and don’t know why? Your partner is the first person you should talk to about all this! 

It is super exciting when you can become that united force to overcome and  achieve more than you ever have than if you were alone. This was my goal for Jan and Phil!
 
Once we had “how to align on a regular basis” covered, we discussed the greater goal timeframes for the coming year and what they wanted their relationship to look like?
 
They wanted to be that united and connected couple that others admired. Excellent start!
We broke it up into specific timeframes of one, two, five years and ten years:

• Individual

• couple

• family goals.  

Jan sought more for bushwalking alone to gain meditative peaceful time away from the hustle and bustle! Phil wanted the freedom to catch up with mates for a drink even now and then!

They integrated new couple goals that included new financial budgets and holiday destinations! Their family goals involved more bike rides together and less events with extended family who were taking up too much of their precious couple time.

We covered their aspirations for funds to open their own business in five years that would support private schooling fees and a house extension.  

Even I got excited for them. They had a plan from which we could envision from which we could focus on how they respectfully dealt with conflict.

Here are some helpful hints for couple goal setting:
 
Be respectful and open in your discussions with each other. There’s no point in tip-toeing around topics when you’re discussing your hopes, dreams, and aspirations.

• Set actionable goals. Aim at that target, break down your tactics with time frames so they’re  easier to track and conquer.

• Handwrite them. It helps your brain take a test drive of your ideas as you put pen to paper.

• Make your goals visible to encourage you both to hit targets and be accountable to your decisions. Great motivation!

• Encourage each other! Mutual congratulations and support will create a much stronger bond between you. Don’t let your partner’s successes be met with apathy. Let them know you acknowledge their achievements and understand how hard they worked for it.

• Repetition AND Consistency for at least 30 days for life changing habits. Paramount.

• Respect boundaries. Goal setting time can be a great opportunity to work on establishing and respecting your personal boundaries. Small changes can have big, positive consequences, so be attentive and sympathetic with your partner during this process.

 
Avoid getting stuck in the discomfort of your old substandard disconnection that has you co-existing as flatmates.
 
You are designed to enjoy thriving in dynamic relationships achieving more than you would alone. Enjoy your goal setting conversation this weekend that propels you to success for the remainder of the year!
 
Don’t forget to diarise my Facebook Lives each Therapeutic Thursday morning for Thriving Relationships to inject some relational inspirations into your weekend!
 
Joanne Wilson is the Relationship Rejuvenator and author of Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools For Your Most Important Project ($29.99). She is a neuropsychotherapist inspiring the community for thriving and dynamic relationships that impact generations for mental well-being. Find out more at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com