The humiliation when your partner puts you down in front of others...

Ever been at a party where you’ve felt rather squirmish and uncomfortable because someone has been putting down their partner in front of everyone? Have you wondered if you should look at the ceiling, dive to the bathroom or start clearing dirty dishes from the table? Maybe you felt the need to defend either of them?
 
I’m wondering if this has ever happened to you? Found yourself in the habit of mentioning a few of your spouse’s unsavoury nuances whilst in the company of others? Yes, those comments about gasses, tardiness or phone use?
 
It sure is a ghastly common snag for couples which results in humiliation and distress.

Vanessa and Brad arrived for marriage counselling with exactly this issue. They were another gorgeous couple (I seem to get all the glamourous clients!) married for seven years with two beautiful girls under five years old. They were both successful people in their careers and somewhat envied by their friends as the “It couple”. Vanessa was exuberant, extroverted and bubbly. Brad was more the quiet, introverted but handsome type. (Often the case where individuals are attracted to those who complement aspects of themselves that they lack!) For many years, they did bring out the best in each other, until…
 
Vanessa started to become frequently tearful following the children’s birthday parties and family gatherings. She noticed Brad would make snide remarks in front of their close friends and family. He dropped criticisms about “Always being on her phone…”, “She talks too much…” and “Never around as she’s out drinking with her girlfriends…”  Sometimes these comments were in Vanessa’s earshot. As you can imagine, she was devastated, hurt and embarrassed.
 
Why does a nice guy like Brad do this? Why didn’t he mention these things at home?
 
In my counselling experience, two main reasons:

• Personality style: Many people are so laid back, it would take a pandemic for them to be perturbed about the upcoming plans, who does what and when. These people will go with the flow. They are super content to allow their more outgoing partner to make all the social arrangements. That is until they do realise sometimes they have preferences, feel ignored and dismissed. When they’re frustrated with their partner’s habits, they don’t speak up.  They are so used to being amiable, they feel ill-equipped to communicate their preferences resulting in their needs consistently unmet.

• Lack of assertive communication: as a result of their partner’s response or those of their caregivers as a child. Many spouses give up asking for what they need as their partner reacts with either defensiveness, attacking or apathy. They may experience yelling and anger or silence and passive aggression.

 
Here’s an important reminder!  Every single person in a relationship needs to be able to assertively deliver communication in a non-blaming way and for it to be received that way. You need to feel heard!
 
What happened to Vanessa and Brad? We tracked their communication and conflict style. As it turns out, Vanessa would criticize Brad in response to his feedback which was delivered in a somewhat abrupt and harsh manner. He would usually erupt as had been ruminating over his thoughts for way too long. Vanessa would drag up a time when he was on his phone or when he disappointed her with clear examples to support her case.  They had become embroiled in a conflict dance where no one was heard, no one won, then chose not to say anything at all about their concerns with each other.
 
As a result, Brad’s concerns didn’t disappear, so they “leaked out” when out with other people as he sought understanding and empathy from his troubled, lonely and disconnected existence.  
 
The first step for Vanessa and Brad was revealing their conflict dance so I could coach them patiently into a new style. They sure were relieved to find some new steps to tango! It took a lot of repetition to break out of the old cycle – but they did it!
 
In summary, it is NOT okay to complain about your partner or put them down in front of others. This is your red flag to ask yourselves:

• Can I deliver feedback in a non-blaming way?

• Do I put my partner down in front of others?

• Have I noticed this happening to me?

• Can I communicate these concerns in a respectful way to my spouse?

 
Your task this weekend is to give up the game of “Find the bad guy”. Edify your partner in front of others. Contemplate something they’ve achieved or consistently do well and tell the world. Don’t’ forget to tell them too!
 
Don’t forget to diarise my Facebook Lives each Therapeutic Thursday morning for Thriving Relationships to inject some relational inspirations into your weekend!    
 
Joanne Wilson is the Relationship Rejuvenator and author of Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools For Your Most Important Project ($29.99). She is a neuropsychotherapist inspiring the community for thriving and dynamic relationships that impact generations for mental well-being. Waitlist for the next intake of her  Relationship Rejuvenator Online Mini-Courses at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com ​