When intimacy wanes...

It is a wonderful gift to navigate an uncertain world knowing someone “has our back” despite our flaws, failings and mistakes. We fare much better when we share the load of life’s challenges with a significant other. 

Healthy intimacy was beautifully described by one of my mentors as being “naked to the soul”. It is a realisation of our inherent design to submit with vulnerability to enjoy a sense of safety and security based on trust.

This connection means we can count on and turn to our loved one for support and love. We flourish when we allow people into our emotional world and share physical and spiritual intimacy with our partner, facilitating an inexplicably beautiful and mysterious bond. This week is a comprehensive approach to this very important topic that could well improve your own mental health. 

The common snags that cause intimacy to fade are:​

• You score that hot hunk or babe you want to spend the rest of your life with, then allow work, your interests, friends, family and habits to take precedence without realising it. 

• Our brains are wired to protect us by recalling painful experiences as well as take the path of least resistance. Add a few differences of opinion, disappointments, poor conflict styles and it is easier to avoid communicating and physical intimacy. 

• Poor communication is a major cause of fading intimacy which can lead to withdrawal, depression, anxiety then turning to others outside the relationship for comfort and support. 

• The list is endless as to what frightens the heck out of us in life. There is one we cannot physically see on top of the list of what petrifies us. It is an invisible phobia that causes us to recoil in horror, shock and sadness that can disable us for months, if not years at a time resulting in pain and isolation?  Fear of Rejection.  This is particularly long-lasting when repeatedly experienced as a child when a decision is subsequently made to avoid relying on others at all costs. Translate this behaviour to an adult intimate relationship and it is a massive inhibitor to reaching out and enjoying the consistent closeness.

• Apathy: This is what allows your bike to get rusty, your gutters to overflow and your waistline to spill over your jeans. Apathy can also happen to your relationship if you are not consistently attending to it. Life challenges will understandably get in the way sometimes, however, your one true love should be at the forefront of your maintenance list on the top of your car service, fuel refill, eyebrow waxing and lawns. Apathy is not just a feeling, however it is an attitude that could be described as detachment, dispassion and indifference. 

It is so normal for intimacy levels to wax and wane throughout life’s challenges that involve lack of sleep throughout parenting, illness, stress and uncertainty during a pandemic.
There are alarming terms such as “intimacy anorexia” that certainly provide the shock factor as a descriptor to withhold intimacy and starve your partner of all the elements of love in an act of revenge or as a protective mechanism.
Like many successful couples in the counselling room, the disconnection may indicate a simple need to realise apathy and fine-tune your communication and conflict skills versus this frightening diagnosis requiring long term intensive therapy.
Couples that do maintain a consistent level of intimacy realistically anticipate adversity. They are also admired for their daily small efforts such as attentive listening and ritualistic or spontaneous gestures that maintain a concrete foundation from which they can sturdily weather all storms.
Furthermore, not only do they still flirt with each other, keep themselves fit and as alluring as possible, they weave the very unscientific “respect and kindness” into daily interactions that have a dramatic long-term positive effect.
 
What can you do to rebuild intimacy?
 
It is essential to evaluate your individual approaches through neuroplasticity in harnessing the power of your mind which is fabulously renewable and fundamentally, changeable.
 
Here are my 10 top tips:

• Check your antenna frequency? Is your “attachment antennae” tuned to a healthy frequency. Those who have enjoyed positive childhood experiences of connecting with their parents or caregivers naturally tend to extend this to their romantic relationships. Those who have experienced a less than ideal childhood can feel a sense of loss and emptiness for what was missed. As a result, their inherent need to survive and feel safe prompts some people to turn up their antennae or alert button to rejection from others. They can be hypersensitive to feelings of anxiousness when they sense others might let them down. They can be clingy and needy or try to control their partner to keep safe. Alternatively, those who keep their antennae turned down too low ensures they stay independent, avoid closeness and keep their distance. Both frequencies are their best attempts to cope to avoid the insecurity from a threatened bond with those closest and dear. Understanding the needs of such anxious or avoidant behaviours is a helpful head start to appreciate and respect the need for space or responsiveness. 

• Tune in to your internal newsreel. What toxic words are you speaking into your life when you wake, washing the dishes, driving or surfing? No matter your charmed or compromised background, human nature sadly and too easily defaults to worthless self-talk. If we allow life’s whacks, clobbers and thrashings to permanently wire us to avoidance, we are trapped in pain and isolation. We’re more likely to judge and criticise others to deflect the perceived shortcomings from within - all rooted in fear. 

• Write them down and consider when and why you bought into any of those toxic thoughts. 

• Write down three decisions you made as a result of these experiences to avoid future pain. 

• Validate your ingenious inherent design to adopt these self-preservation behaviours. 

• Write down three ways these decisions are not helping you enjoy intimacy and true closeness

• What three or more feelings do they evoke? 

• Ask yourself the benefit of bravely expressing them to your partner?

• Write down what life-giving, motivating and nurturing words you could be speaking into your life instead and ensure they infiltrate your world? 

• Discuss what you need from your partner moving forward to truly gain the deepest intimacy you both deserve.

 
Our inherent relational design means we are healthiest when we are intentionally contributing fully to our chosen person and the wonderful joy when they concurrently do the same.
  
Joanne Wilson is the Relationship Rejuvenator and author of Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools For Your Most Important Project ($29.99). She is a neuropsychotherapist inspiring the community for thriving and dynamic relationships that impact generations for mental well-being. Find out more at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com