When your relationship makes you feel worse instead of the best version of you...

​How do you picture yourself in your relationship?

The Incredible Hulk, Catwoman, The Grinch or Mr Magoo blindly fumbling your way through the darkness?

​Clients in troubled relationships frequently tell me that they find themselves as a former shadow of their exuberant super self. They have trouble focusing at work, feel depressed and only have a vague memory of being confident and fun-loving.
 
But, they used to be so happy.
 
What happened?
 
Naturally, they want to blame their partners.
 
Here are just a few of the reasons why you might not be feeling like the best version of yourself in your relationship:

• Are you enjoying a healthy sense of independence and interdependence? Do you each enjoy your own hobbies or are you enmeshed, feeling like you can't go out and enjoy time alone or even want to? It is awesome to experience  new adventures or even couch surf together, however it is healthy to catch-up with your own buddies sometimes. I hear some partners feel a little controlled when they can't get out for “me time”, or even ask for it. Mother’s at home with small children can particularly struggle with this.

• Does your partner compliment and edify you? It is even more fulfilling  in front of others. When our brain becomes lazy, we get to a point of familiarity where it is easier to criticize, take your spouse for granted instead of noticing their attributes and achievements with wonder, enquiry and gratitude. Can you consider what your partner does well but is rarely appreciated? It is  particularly important to value their implicit features; who they are, not just  how they look or how much money they earn.

• Are your relationship needs being met? Everyone appreciates different ways of experiencing love. Do you need more physical touch, more kind words about how dang sexy you are, more time alone or more family time?  Be courageous and ask for it in a non-blaming way

If you are experiencing persistent depressive or anxious symptoms for no apparent reason.  Today is the day to draw a line in the sand and seek out support to adopt healthy thoughts about yourself to yourself. One cause is unhelpful habits of toxic self-talk formulated from bad life experiences that bog you down.
 
You and your partner should both contribute to your relationship with a healthy sense of self founded in the knowledge of what you deserve in your relationship. Even Shrek and Fiona worked this out and lived happily ever after!

Don’t forget to diarise my Facebook Lives each Therapeutic Thursday morning for Thriving Relationships to inject some relational inspirations into your weekend!
 
Joanne Wilson is the Relationship Rejuvenator and author of Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools For Your Most Important Project ($29.99). She is a neuropsychotherapist inspiring the community for thriving and dynamic relationships that impact generations for mental well-being. Find out more at www.relationshiprejuvenator.com